HEALTH

Doctors present almost all the Italian patients, as they leave the surgery, with a coloured diet sheet. They invariably want patients to lose weight. The build of the average Umbrian is stocky and short. The main causes of death, as in most European countries are heart attacks and cancers. The main cancer is that of the stomach due to many years, up to the late 1960's of eating a diet, at least all through the winter, of pollenta , a corn "porridge", compressed and eaten sliced, and prosciutto, salted dried ham. For generations, up until recent times, the diet has been insufficient and of limited quality; now, newly rich, they can afford to feed on the finest food, not just on feast days; when they used to observe their masters partaking of the best; but every day! Most of the children are head and shoulders taller than their parents.

The form E111, from the British Health service, via the DSS, allows for reciprocal medical attention between Italy and UK. You can be as sick as you like, for free.

Hospitals, these vary, as in England, as does the treatment received. Beds in wards are allowed for relatives to sleep in, so that they can attend to their family patients.

Lavatories in public use are to be found in bars, and they are generally of an acceptable standard. The key sometimes has to be obtained from the proprietor.

My, now unhappily deceased, Aunt Olga; the capital A is necessary, she was that type of aunt; needed to "pay a visit, or spend a penny", I don't recall which euphemism was used, and took an awfully long time about it. When she returned, rather flushed, I enquired, as a solicitous nephew ought, if everything was in order. "Well", she said, breathlessly, "As I was in the toilet washing my hands the place filled up with young paratroops. I was so embarrassed". Although lavatories are separate, the washing facilities are mixed. Watch out for paratroops, these days, probably of either, or both, sexes. A useful verb in dialect; pisciare, to pass water, which, strangely is the name of a town in southern Umbria. But then we have Wyre Piddle in Worcestershire!

Country Italians have a habit of riding bicycles and mopeds with one hand on the handlebars and the other hand holding the collar firmly shut as a precaution against draughts and winds which cause "mal di gola",  sore throat, and all  the children seem to regularly suffer from "febbre", a fever or high temperature.

Felicino, our late gardener and adopted "grandfather", was called upon to present himself for a medical examination to establish his degree of blindness; he had lost the sight of one eye in an industrial accident many years before; for a reassessment of his invalidity pension. On the appointed day he would have to motor from his home in Mercatale, to Cortona, by Api, his three-wheeled truck, which he always drove at breakneck speed, despite his seventy odd years and lack of full sight. He would of course, for the occasion take his white stick. Arriving close to the hospital he would park out of sight and approach on foot, white cane in full use.

Asking at the porter's lodge for the correct section he would be accompanied and guided to his required floor. Saying that he could find his way now he would tap along to the waiting room where several other pensioners would be waiting their turn for the examination, ignoring these old folk he would walk to the examination room door and crash into it, recover, and knock hard. "Come in", would be the cry. Felicino in a dramatic display worthy of La Scala would scrabble all over the surface trying to find the door knob. "I can't find the handle," he would shout. The door would be opened for him and he, having successfully jumped the queue would begin his examination.

Any sight chart offered to him would be useless and only an occasional bottom line could be discerned from the supposed mist swirling about him. As his sight was so bad, and they had requested his attendance at the hospital he always claimed the full taxi fare, plus generous tip. After all he was a poor, old, almost blind, pensioner!

Bepe on one of his visits to the doctor was asked how much he drank. I would think it was probably four or five litres a day of his home-made red wine. Bepe admitted to less than half that amount. The doctor advised that he should drink more water. Bepe said he hated water. Drink orange or lemonade, suggested the medic. Bepe agreed. When he arrived home Bepe put aside his usual glass and took out a larger one, put a slug of lemonade into it and then his usual amount of wine. He can now honestly tell the doctor that he drinks more lemonade!

Angelo the local "fabro", now sadly passed on to the great blacksmith in the sky, was horrified if one wanted to drink water. "It costs money", he would say. Water, for drinking, is bought at the grocers, wine, on the other hand is home made, and therefore "costs" nothing.

A lady in Umbertide was scratched on the leg by her cat. Her daughter took her to the doctor who prescribed some tablets, one three times a day after meals. As luck would have it, the animal repeated the attack, this time on the other leg. The granny sensibly phoned her daughter to enquire if she should double the dose of medication. Two tablets, one for each leg?

Amongst the elders there is a reluctance to call the doctor, or call on the doctor. "They are, after all, educated gentlemen, and won't want to be bothered by us". Another reason, for the older folks, was that doctors cost money, something they never had.